Today is August 5

There are now officially only 10 days before I return to Princeton. Although I am very much looking forward to leaving sterile SoCal, I feel that I might miss home for once. Actually, let me rephrase that. I will miss (only) Jeremy. I convinced him to come stay with me for a week in Princeton, but I don't think dad was too keen on that idea.

I see so much of myself in him, and in some ways, I feel more like a father than a brother. His social-consciousness, frugality, sense of humor, and sensitivity reminds me of a younger self. He is really a good kid, but not as self-confident or outgoing as I was. He mumbles a bit when he talks and finds it difficult to speak in front of others, especially older people. These things he will hopefully grow out of as he cements his identity. He, like me, avoids conflict like the plague until it cannot be ignored any longer, but that, also like me, often leads to passivity and frustration. Still, I thank God that he turned out this way, considering everything. He has a good head, some ambition; what more can you ask for? Last year, I got in the habit of saying "I love you" as often as I could to him; I think he needs it. I tricked him into actually saying it back to me once too; it took a good 15 minutes. Also, I heard that he was popular with the ladies. Not in a direct charming kind of way because he's kind of awkward, but in that dark, talented, mysterious manner (that Asians seem to be so fond of). He, of course, denies all this.

It has been (really) difficult for me transitioning into this pseudo-nuclear family. Basically, this means that my immediate family is now seven people: Dad, his wife (Joanne), step-brothers Andrew and Thomas (8 years old!), Jeremy, Amy, and me. Still, it is so obvious to see the ways that this half and the other half differs. This difference is so vast that there is no point in really trying to foster a "unified family" air; Jeremy, Amy, and I are well past that age. Frankly, I am not even trying to "love" Andrew and Thomas as much as Jeremy. This might sound entirely hateful or cinderella-y, but really, I can't love them as much as I do Jeremy, so we'll just have to settle for civility. And to be honest, I do not even think of them as my "brothers" nor do I feel any reason why I ought to. This marriage had nothing to do with me, thus, they have nothing to do with me except proximity, and again, to be honest, often even that proximity is unwanted or stressful. It makes me (and Jeremy) feel like guests in our own home, and that really drives people crazy. Perhaps this is the way they feel, too. Of course, it is puerile to simply blame the kids. All I know is that when Jeremy is not happy, I'm not happy.

On the lighter side, I have never seen my dad laugh so hard than a couple weeks back. Yesterday, he and Joanne even went to the beach together! That was a watershed in my understanding of him. He is definitely happier and less busy, and he does need someone to take care of him (he is, after all, still a first-generation Korean male). But, when Jeremy and I passed by our old apartment, we both just really really wanted things to be the way they were before. It was stressful then, but at least it was known and safe.

Why is life sometimes so difficult? (And yet, even when I say this, I realize that I am still blessed for many many things.)

Home(?) Again

It always strikes me that I really do not understand what it means to be at home. When you go home, I imagine there to be a sense of relief, "comfort" not in purely the convenient sense, but in a deeper current, a sanctuary even. To me, the ring of "home" has no current meaning and I placed it in the extremities of time (Eden and New Jerusalem). In fact, "home" seems oddly constructed and even unnatural, though I know it is not the case.

I return "home" to a new house, with a woman and two kids I have never spent more than an hour with prior my arrival. I have no place of my own, no history embedded in these walls or floors, no memories of these people, and more importantly, no memories of this new family formed through its rough collisions. We are currently softening the residue of these collisions, but I think it will be incomplete even after the children had left. There is just too much history that cannot be forgotten; there is no Pandora's safe and history has a way of catching up to the present. Hopefully the force of time and human kinship will knit strands of familial connectiveness.

In this new home, I sleep in the living room (the common room?) next to the wall; downstairs, as my new brothers and old brother sleep above, with my father and my new "mother" (purely in the legal sense). This is not a complaint. Once again, this is not a complaint. But certainly, this is not home.

They are good people. She is too nice to her children, my dad too old to begin the long process of discipline. The children are happy, at least the youngest one is. The middles ones need to recognize the other as human, but they have four years to work on that.

In the meantime, I also graduated two weeks ago. I do not think it will "hit" me until the next time I see my peers, which is as always, "soon." At this point, I do not actually "miss" anyone, I think. It is simply a fact of life that people move away; we are largely passive creatures in that way, making our way through life alone, though people flit in and out. It proves that humans make weak anchors; there is only one foundation that is reliable, only one person. But then again, I think maybe this is only a condition that I placed on myself; perhaps for people who are good at keeping in touch with others, it is not like that. I don't know, but it certainly gives me pause to think about the weight I place on relationships. During our DR trip, the guys and I said that we would all actively try to pursue relationships, platonic and romantic. Peter already had us beat. *Cue Beyonce's, "All My Single Ladies."

On to lighter matters, I am trying to plan a roadtrip to San Diego and to Seattle from LA. Anyone wanna come? :)

in Jesus Christ,

Jae Han

today i went out to go study, but as soon as i went out i was hit with a wave of groundlessness; i didn't know where to go. usually its because there are so many places to study that the options themselves become the paralysis, but this time, i just felt like there was nothing keeping me grounded. i felt like i was homeless; consequently, i did all the little things that ive been neglecting, mainly cleaning out my carrel, but after that i decided to find another place to study, etc. eventually, i kept on walking around and around, down witherspoon, up and around, through holder, etc., eventually going all the way down to frist. there was just a sense of impermanence and i just didn't want to stop "going" a frustration or a nostalgia for a place that i have never been. it felt like i was wandering all around, trodding the same steps that i had been through before, some in new and some in old ways. hm.

Complete Change in Topic

There is no more displeasure between me and God.
If there is, it's only from my end.
Even when I sin, God does not see it, but He sees His Son instead, and is pleased.
Hence, there is no reciprocal displeasure, but only one-sided displeasure,
and it's always from me.

Amy asked me what I would be like if I wasn't a Christian .
Impulsive, angry, bitter, rash, violent, all come to mind.
But the thing is, the dead man rises from the grave a bit too often.
I have felt all of these since coming "home."
It'd funny how families work like that, bringing out the worst in you so quickly.

The more I realize how fast change approaches, the more I realize that it is only Jesus who is the anchor of my life; He is my idyllic past and my hopeful future.