I had a conversation about death with my father about a month ago. He had almost drowned a few months ago in a nearby pool, an accident that in retrospect is not altogether surprising, considering his years of inactivity. He told me, as he was sinking into the pool, he had felt more than anything, an incredible sense of loneliness, a dasein experience of being thrust between realities; truly, naked we come, naked we go. With it, an absolute sense of horror, of frenetic terror. His thoughts were too incoherent to meditate on Christ, since meditation requires silence, but instead, human questions came vigorously came to the fore: who would take care of 'x?' how would they support themselves? and so on. When at last he had resigned himself, his body grew limp and rested on the pool floor, he was able to swim back. Easy water. As he got up, the water and the pool seemed to trivial, even juvenile, a distance that a child could have easily lapped to and fro.

I tend to think about death a lot; perhaps that is what attracts me so much to Christianity, since it is the only religion that demands death in the here-and-now in order for life in the time-to-come. Christians are already living a post-mortem life, although it does not seem so in most cases. Perhaps, it is that Christians as we know it simply does not take their own "deaths" seriously. Perhaps, we mask it with phrases like "mortification of the flesh", which though it has the virtue of being ancient and robust, still disguises the horror of what that actually means. Besides, it certainly is not the case that only our flesh ought to be mortified, but every thing with it - to cast will, self-ambition, and pride aside like dirty rags. I wonder, what does a contemporary man who has truly "died" look like? Jesus makes it clear that that man has no sense of self; his life is not "deeply entwined" with the other, but his very life is in the other.

I sometimes wonder, why do I matter so much? Not to sound pretentious, but sometimes I find the individualistic focus of American Christian too much, and perhaps, even decidedly non-Christian; people always say that Christ came down to save you, and indeed, he would have done so only for your sake as well. The parable of the lost sheep and the good shepherd. But after one has been converted, the process of death begins in which, you pray that the divine scrutiny is not on on you. Before Christ, the focus is individualistic; After Christ, you must die and lose that individuality. Of course, Christ is not simply analogous to "death" but to eternal life. But there can be no latter without the former.

(Aside: We are already dead before Christ: it is in fact that we are dying to our own death through Christ that brings us life. that is why it is necessary we take our own death seriously)

"What a wretched man I am! Who shall save me from this body of death? But thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Rom. 7:24)