Today is August 5

There are now officially only 10 days before I return to Princeton. Although I am very much looking forward to leaving sterile SoCal, I feel that I might miss home for once. Actually, let me rephrase that. I will miss (only) Jeremy. I convinced him to come stay with me for a week in Princeton, but I don't think dad was too keen on that idea.

I see so much of myself in him, and in some ways, I feel more like a father than a brother. His social-consciousness, frugality, sense of humor, and sensitivity reminds me of a younger self. He is really a good kid, but not as self-confident or outgoing as I was. He mumbles a bit when he talks and finds it difficult to speak in front of others, especially older people. These things he will hopefully grow out of as he cements his identity. He, like me, avoids conflict like the plague until it cannot be ignored any longer, but that, also like me, often leads to passivity and frustration. Still, I thank God that he turned out this way, considering everything. He has a good head, some ambition; what more can you ask for? Last year, I got in the habit of saying "I love you" as often as I could to him; I think he needs it. I tricked him into actually saying it back to me once too; it took a good 15 minutes. Also, I heard that he was popular with the ladies. Not in a direct charming kind of way because he's kind of awkward, but in that dark, talented, mysterious manner (that Asians seem to be so fond of). He, of course, denies all this.

It has been (really) difficult for me transitioning into this pseudo-nuclear family. Basically, this means that my immediate family is now seven people: Dad, his wife (Joanne), step-brothers Andrew and Thomas (8 years old!), Jeremy, Amy, and me. Still, it is so obvious to see the ways that this half and the other half differs. This difference is so vast that there is no point in really trying to foster a "unified family" air; Jeremy, Amy, and I are well past that age. Frankly, I am not even trying to "love" Andrew and Thomas as much as Jeremy. This might sound entirely hateful or cinderella-y, but really, I can't love them as much as I do Jeremy, so we'll just have to settle for civility. And to be honest, I do not even think of them as my "brothers" nor do I feel any reason why I ought to. This marriage had nothing to do with me, thus, they have nothing to do with me except proximity, and again, to be honest, often even that proximity is unwanted or stressful. It makes me (and Jeremy) feel like guests in our own home, and that really drives people crazy. Perhaps this is the way they feel, too. Of course, it is puerile to simply blame the kids. All I know is that when Jeremy is not happy, I'm not happy.

On the lighter side, I have never seen my dad laugh so hard than a couple weeks back. Yesterday, he and Joanne even went to the beach together! That was a watershed in my understanding of him. He is definitely happier and less busy, and he does need someone to take care of him (he is, after all, still a first-generation Korean male). But, when Jeremy and I passed by our old apartment, we both just really really wanted things to be the way they were before. It was stressful then, but at least it was known and safe.

Why is life sometimes so difficult? (And yet, even when I say this, I realize that I am still blessed for many many things.)