As I wait

I'm not comfortable with the apprehension that like yeast rises from the bread of uncertainty. (Awful, ugh, I know) I hate it, in fact. I don't mind so much the waiting, but it's always the uncertainty that frightens me. Anxious? Just a dash, please. Impatient? One dip. And it's so silly though, this uncertainty. All I know of my life is, I live -dash- I die. (Confront your mortality now, not later!) But above all, my dash, I will store up my treasures in heaven.

But on God intervening directly in lives. I'm sure he does it. I know he does it. But, if I can't even give up one summer to God, to let him do as he pleases, in his good and perfect will, there's is absolutely no way that I can wholly give up my life to him. My lack of faith for just a duration as short as a couple of months precludes faith for the entirety of my life. It's so easy to think in the future abstract and from there circumvent true intentions and motives, retrospectively. If only life was lived out backwards! "God is pleased with me because he brought me to 'X'. It must be his will that I be here, and not my own will. I am here because of God, not because of me." Really? Really? How did you come to that conclusion? I'm not being sarcastic, I would really like to know. People say that you can't ask God about everything, it's just not practical. Do you expect an answer from the heavens opening up and declaring, "Jae, I want you to be a ____?"

Yes, actually, I do. God surely recognizes my own stupidity, the deceit of my imaginative mind. A longing for a certain position, a certain someone, a certain location; all in God's hands. I'm going to honor God's will above my own, attune my will to his will. And when God calls me to go somewhere, I'm going to go. And when he says stay, I will stay. Good. Let's keep it that way.

Romans 12:9-21