Dying to Self

A couple days ago I had a nightmare. I don't recall what it was, but it was a nightmare within a nightmare. I had woken up, only to realize that I was in another dream and not yet fully awake.
It was frightening because in the dream I was about to be killed.

There was a frenzied desperation in that dream; hysteria and traces of madness. My body protested, "Live!" The soldier in my dream said otherwise.

I think I should practice dying. Meditate and recall myself deeper into what it feels like to die, so that when I do die someday (hopefully much later), I won't be taken by surprise. It might then seem natural, and I would be familiar with the deadening sensations. Then perhaps I could die with joy and gladness, because I am fearful by nature and I only become comfortable with the situation from exposure.

When I was younger I had these thoughts about dying. I remember when I was in Junior High thinking that my death would be glorious. It would be defiant, memorable. There would be no insanity, there would be no desperation or pleas for longer living. I would die with a smirk, brazen. Perhaps that's an impossibility?

I know my God lives, I know he has promised me eternal life, but the flesh in me is desperate for a final gasp, a sip of water, a morsel of food. How unfortunate that this earthly thing is obsessed with life. I will train it for death, through which is true life.

I listened to a woman's cell phone yesterday. She was one of those trapped in the upper floors of the Twin Towers. She kept asking, "Am I going to die? Please God, please God, please God. I'm going to die aren't I? It's getting so hot here, I can feel the heat..." The operator kept saying, "Keep calm, lady, tell me where you are. Keep calm, and pray." The sudden realization of her death hit her too late. (How can I help but suffer with her?) I will prepare for my death calmly, deliberately, and with careful cultivation. I will not be her.

Thank God that our true end is not death, but resurrection and eternal life. Praise be to God!